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Angel Sanctuary Badfic

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! [Jun. 10th, 2006|11:49 pm]
Angel Sanctuary Badfic

as_badfic

[winter_ruins]
[mood |boredbored]

This is what happens when no one's online and you're bored out of your mind.

TITLE: I Love You, Setsuna
AUTHOR: shattered lies (She has another one, which, by the summary, sounds like a real winner.)
REASON FOR COMPLAINT:



Everytime he thought of Setsuna and Sara together a dull ach started in his heart. The more he thought about them the more it hurt. Whether he was willing to admit it or not, he loved Setsuna and hated Sara down to the very core of his being for having the blond haired teen all to herself. It made him sick to his stomach when he saw her cling to her brother the way she did.

Yes. That's right. Kira hates Sara. There's hints all over the place. Really. ...And she totally clings. Her leaving Setsuna to make up for abandoning Lily? How clingy.

All he knew is that one day he woke up with a hard on and thoughts of Setsuna’s hard warm body pressed up against his. At first it had frightened Kira, he hadn’t thought himself a bisexual. That’s when he started sleeping with any women who would have him. It eased the pain that came from loving and lusting after one of his closest, dearest friends.

Funny. I had thought Kira had slept with "Any woman that would have him" to make his father hate him. How wrong I was. And you know, I always figured that he picked and chose his woman. It's not like he's got to go begging.

Every now and then when there wasn’t a woman to be found he would go stumbling and needy to Katou. They would fuck like wild animals. He in turn would have a moment’s relief from the constant torment that waged in his heart.

Believe it or not, this is the single greatest part in the fanfic. **Katou/...Anyone fan, really.**

“It’s Sara,” he told between hiccups and partial sobs. “She-She doesn’t love me anymore. She found someone else. Someone better. It’s another girl.” Fresh tears began to roll down Setsuna’s tender cheeks. “She left me for another girl.”

Uh huh. Totally got the impression that Sara would just up and leave Setsuna. I mean, pfft. Getting cast aside by society and even her mother? She wasn't that into him.

This was the perfect time. He had to tell Setsuna. Kira grabbed Setsuna’s chin in his fingers. Slowly he raised the other’s face towards his.

"I NEED TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU!! LET'S MAKE OUT!"

Kira moved to his from his bed to the window. His sat on the windowsill, staring out at the now raining sky. He thought of Setsuna, out there all alone. He thought of their friendship and about how he had probably just ruined it all to hell. Damn, did the younger teen feel amazing in his arms. He licked his lips, tasting Setsuna on them. Kira winced as the dull ach started up all over again.

Me so angsty! Me so horny. No, wait, me so angsty? ... Horny? ... Horangsty?

Why, Kira? Why did you have to love me? Why couldn’t you just lie to me? I want to hate you for this, but I can’t. It doesn’t make sense to me, Kira! Tell me why. I thought Katou was your special person. You and him were always so close. Did you kiss me to hurt me? Was that your plan? I’m sorry for saying her name. I really am. Forgive me, Kira, but I don’t want to live anymore. Good-bye. I’ll never see you again.

I... Wow. There's just... too much to say. First of all? Kira/Setsuna/Katou? OT3. And yes, clearly, Kira wanted to hurt you. I mean, all the times he stuck by you and protected you? I'm surprised you didn't see it before! Suicide comes later.

Next to him sat a broken piece of glass. He stared at it with numb eyes. Gingerly, he reached for it. He played with it between his fingertips as if mesmerized by its dull shine. An empty smiled graced his lips.

It’s broken, Kira. Broken like me.

There's a word for this kind of writing. ... Purple? No... OH! I know! Completely and totally over-the-top melodrama!

He dragged the glass across the tender flesh of his wrist gently. The skin never opened. Tentatively, he pressed down harder with each stroke. A hiss of pain escaped his lips as the flesh ripped apart. Blood welled in the wound, but did not drain out. The cut wasn’t deep enough. He had to keep going. He hacked at his own body, desperate for it to be done with. The glass slipped from his fingers, shattering against pavement. His eyes grew wide as he stared at his bloody wrist. There was so much blood that he could just barely make out the damage he had done to his being.

He sighed, eyes growing heavy. His limbs felt more weighted than he knew they were. He rested his hand on his thigh. Setsuna’s eyes closed. A cold feeling rested in his stomach. He shivered slightly. Don’t forget me. He exhaled one last time before darkness washed over his consciousness. I’m sorry, Kira.

There's.... so much to say about this. First, the writing technicalities. If the skin 'never opened' why did it open in the next... two sentences? Secondly, the actual technicalities. Wrist slitting is one of the slowest ways to commit suicide. You're not going to die that quickly from it. Thirdy, the characterization. Though Setsuna has shown suicidal tendencies before, he has matured a lot since the beginning of the series, kthxbai.

He was falling. Or was he? Darkness. No, warm hands. Something touching his face, his hair, his mouth. Was there talking? Unspoken words. I love you. Do you really? Is it all a lie? Things wrapping around his body. Wings. White feathers. Black feathers. Softness like never before. Is this death? Can it be? Glistening red on black backdrop. His wrist felt numb. Scolding hands caressing his chest. Is this passion? A distant image to far away to see. Deep chocolate brown eyes. A cocky, self-assured smile. Who was it? He knew this image, this person, but whom? A feeling of loss, crimson regret of shattered lies. The figure turning away, leaving. No, don’t go! He couldn’t move. Couldn’t chase after! Don’t leave. Please, stay! A shrill cry. Evil laughter in stale air, echoing in unhearing ears. Hands holding him down. No, let go! Don’t leave me here! Come back. I’m sorry. Come back. KIRA!

I still haven't found the point in that whole paragraph, since it's not even Kira that finds him. I mean... ... I'm sure there is a purpose somehow but... I can't figure it out.

He kicked a stray can. Only it didn’t stay away from him. Katou cursed as the can bounced off of something and hit him in the head.

...*SNERK* That's all I have to say. This is my favourite line in chapter two.

It’s not fair, Setsuna! Why do you reject me when I love you more than Sara ever did? No one could love you as strongly or as deeply as I do.

....I... He... The entire point of the manga was... .... There are no words to adequately describe how "WTF"ed this line makes me feel every time I read it.

He pulled the door open just as Katou reached the stoop. Kira noticed that the blond was panting excessively. He cocked an eyebrow at Katou.

“Get… him… off of… me,” Katou wheezed out.

Kira looked at him like he was stupid. Then he saw the boy slung over Katou’s left shoulder.

...You'd think that would be the first thing he noticed. I mean, if it was me and Katou showed up at my door with a body slung over his shoulder I'd be too busy being lost in his eyes to... the first thing I'd notice was the fact that he was carrying someone over his shoulder. Especially with how scrawny the poor boy is. Seriously.

Kira wrapped Setsuna’s wrist while Katou tried to check his pulse. Finally, Kira had to do it.

That right there? Might be the only thing remotely resembling characterization in this entire fanfic.



EDIT: ... Okay fine. I can't resist. I read the other fanfic by the same author.

TITLE: Till Death Do Us Part
REASON FOR COMPLAINT:



His only love had thrown him out for that…that hoe.

Yes, that's right Katan. Your only love has just thrown you out for a gardening tool. I'd be about ready to commit suicide too if that happened.

Without a moment’s hesitation, Katan drew the knife over his wrist. It stung, but only for a couple seconds.

Not even touching the characterization here, but what is with this girls fascination of slit wrists = insta death?

Well, your wrong. I won’t follow you. I can’t…” He paused, pondering something for a moment. “Not till I tell you that I love you. Next to my sister only you rank so high in my cold, black heart. Wait for me, Katan. Where ever you are, wait for me.” He kissed the cherubim’s cheek.

Finding the same blade Katan had used, Rociel slit open both his wrists. He laid against his secret crush. Head resting on the dead man’s shoulder.

...I just.. I ... no. And crush?! Rociel doesn't get crushes. Rociel gets possessions.
linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: transcending
2006-06-11 04:40 pm (UTC)
In the first story, all Setsuna needed to do was sing "Crawling in my skiiiin these wounds they will not heeeeeeeal~" in a squeaky voice. Then it would have been perfect. Well, I hope that Sara at least got a babe. XD

And I will never not be disturbed by the thought of wangsty Katan.

but what is with this girls fascination of slit wrists = insta death?

What's her fascination with slit wrists in general? x.x; There are other ways, people!
(Reply) (Thread)
From: fallenangelaila
2006-06-11 08:37 pm (UTC)
Ohhh, I've read the second one. My brain cramped. For the most part I've abandoned fanfics by this point.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: winter_ruins
2006-06-12 01:12 am (UTC)
XD There are a very few good ones out there. I created a C2 community in the pit dedicated solely to good AS fanfics.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: fallenangelaila
2006-06-12 12:57 pm (UTC)
I'll have to look. I've seen thing like that before, where the mods say 'only good fics' and then do nothing to moniter the submissions.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: winter_ruins
2006-06-12 03:03 pm (UTC)
XD I had a community like that. I've also learned from my mistakes, and I'm the only one who's allowed to post fics in it now. XD;
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: fallenangelaila
2006-06-13 02:20 pm (UTC)
Hmmm... Can I submit a fic for posting by you or something?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: winter_ruins
2006-06-13 02:21 pm (UTC)
Yush!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: fallenangelaila
2006-06-13 04:10 pm (UTC)
How? *Is new to the whole thing*
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: winter_ruins
2006-06-13 04:15 pm (UTC)
You can just e-mail me. Or leave me a comment. XD Or whatever you want.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: fallenangelaila
2006-06-13 07:17 pm (UTC)
I'll e-mail you with the link to the story, okay?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)